S.J. (shadesoblique) wrote in shavedwomen,

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savor the present

after a month of seeing j.j. im trying to evaluate the course were on since things are starting to build even though i already know nothing will be produced yet the energy is restless at work. i ended a needy relationship early this yr and do not want another so getting involved with a guy who has a girlfriend means less demand of my attention. however during the whole month of dec we havent seen each other maybe 5 days drawn intensely by our personalities despite the insecurites. we wont express feelings about one another to avoid clouding the space where we are secure and the result of noncommunication are deep stares searching for an answer. thinking what i was also thinking he admitted that even if he wasnt with his gf that i would get tired of him, he would trip on me and vice versa, and he would cheat on me and vice versa. from the 1st time meeting j.j. i felt powerfully comfortable and appreciate this the most when with him, i can do whatever i want and not be embarrased. we have an awesome connection still im not sure what to see him as; ive kept my guyfriend strictly boyz and nothing more, and those im imtimate with are my ball n chains but j.j. is neither. bored out of my mind before with my boyfriend you'd think this would be bliss and it is, a shady area in which i cant see where im going...discomforting. nothing regarding myself happens without my allowing it, my awareness is the opposite of his poor gf choosing to be disillusioned by ignoring his unfaithfulness. well thats her choice, i choose infactuation, thrilling encounters and a stranger's seduction. all that doesnt include a ring on my finger as mrs housewife who's husband cheats on me. i know where this affair is headed and thats just enough time before seeking whats next. it tool me a few years to figure it out but there is no other way...nonsubmissive.
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